Too restless/upset to sleep at the moment. It's 7:23 am Thursday morning. I have a tournament slated for this Saturday, but despite 21 people telling me they'd sign up, we're currently at 12 names - Cavman, Camel of Doo, Mechanical, Snowblindfox, unseeingfire, Emily S, bro grabs, bytyan, Winry Heartfilia, ahriman1, Sultan of Funk, ExMental. So i look like a dumb idiot. I'm probably gonna push it back another week in hopes that I can get us up to an even 16.
I think we're going to have to move. We're only living where we are because we -had- to move from our last place. My regular viewers will know that when the stream started, I was funneling my mother money so we could live in a house her and her boyfriend build pretty much rent free. We ended up giving her quite a lot.
They fucked up with the permits and never ended up finishing the house. Currently they're looking for a buyer, but obviously that isn't looking very good. She's the type of mother who will lie to my face just to placate me for a day, and then wonder why I don't trust her.
When the build-a-house didn't pan out, and circumstances forced us to leave my dad's sister's house (where we were staying) we needed a two bedroom place pretty much last minute.
My mother ended up 'getting us a deal' on a two bedroom with a living room, kitchen, and bathroom all connected by one hallway. Honestly that's fine, it's not like I ever leave my room or have visitors anyway. The problem is we're spending $1,000 a month on just rent.
My dad makes $1,400 on long-term disability from the government. That leaves $400 for food, cable, electric, phones, and morphine. Food alone is running us about $450/month, which is fucking ABSURD but whenever i look at the receipts, I can't find anything my dad shouldn't have bought. We don't splurge on sweets. Hell, I'm living on Hamburger Helper and a can of spaghettios a day.
Which means it's up to me to make up the difference, which is what I've been doing with this website and all of you for the last two years.
To make that work, I need to be making a bare minimum of around $700 a month. For July, including tourny signups, I've raised just shy of $160. It's been pretty bad these last 3 months, but this is definitely not looking good for me. At first I chocked it up to college finishing, people relocating, things like that, but I'm definitely fucking up somehow, stream wise.
That's where my tournament idea came in - after I made sure there'd be enough interest of course. If anything, the stress from money is just making my seizures worse and more frequent - which is just compounding on the issue of me sucking and failing to properly provide.
I'm at my wit's end, here. I can't even think about getting Tommy's diabetes medication, let alone the 7~ grand I need to go to an oral surgeon and have my teeth worked on.
I'm not really sure why I bothered writing any of this, honestly. It's just a bunch of whining. Maybe I want to shed some insight on why I've been sucking so much dick lately?
If you have any suggestions for how I can make anything work, please don't hesitate to let me know. Not being able to help my dad, let alone myself, is sickening. There's a reason I can't sleep.
Thanks for putting up with this wall of text. I appreciate it and I love you.
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